As I write this piece, I am high above our planet. A voice comes over the speaker telling me and my fellow travelers that we are flying at 36,000 feet. I think about all the time and effort that humanity expended to allow me the amazing privilege of hurtling through the stratosphere in a dressed-up rocket while writing on my computer. I look out the window. From this height, everything down on terra firma looks beautiful, so perfect. I wish it were so.
I’m on my way back from Atlanta Georgia where I was invited to speak on the behalf of Three Points Center, a therapeutic boarding school in a remote area of Utah where adopted children can learn how to trust that the world is a safe place and they are worthy of love. Most, if not all of the children at Three Points suffer from complex developmental trauma, and for them, the idea that they are worthy of love is at best a dim concept.
What happens to a lot of these kids from conception on, and continuing through childhood, is why, if they are lucky, they end up at Three Points Center. Life for them is often chaotic, so much so, that when they reach puberty, they can no longer cope and things fall apart. When the coping mechanism malfunctions, the most primitive part of their brain kicks into high gear and becomes so over-activated, their reality becomes altered in such a way that for them even the smallest of events lead them to believe that their life is at stake. In these states of agitation, oppositional behaviors flare and are acted upon. Coping methods of self-regulation become synonymous with self-sabotage. Their psychology tells them that since their parents gave them away, they are unlovable and nobody can ever replace what was lost.
Statistics show us that about 30% of adopted children suffer from complex developmental trauma. My granddaughter, who is one of those statistics, has been sequestered away from our society where she has been more or less free to make choices within an agreed set of rules and laws for more than two years. She is one of those kids who couldn’t cope and wasn’t able to make the choices that allowed her to roam about freely and stay safe. After this long period of constant care, love and supervision, she is close to the point in time where she can “begin again”. Wisdom tells me that she will find her way and that underneath her suffering, her light shines bright. When on occasion, the light does find its way to the surface, even on the cloudiest of days (and there are many) she is guided and able to find herself moving through space and time more freely, with some sense of the original grace we are all bestowed with.
As her grandmother, I will continue to do what I can to help her, and in so doing, am reminded that every step we take, leads us to where we are right now. We are all spiritual beings living a human experience.
The ingredients for living a full and contented life are all there when we are born and never leave. They stay with us and are accessible until the day we die. Many years ago, when I was going to give birth to my first child, my girlfriend asked if I would pray for her during my birth. She went on to explain that she had just lost her child and believed that when you are giving birth you are closest to the spiritual world. Her request stayed with me and I sent love her way during the birth.
Trust begins in the womb. When the sperm and egg merge, rapidly developing into an embryo, they come swimming into an elixir of life.
That tiny embryo grows ever so quickly, taking in and becoming whatever the mother chose as nourishment. Unfortunately, sometimes what the mother sees as nourishment, the baby feels as poison. When the inner life of the mother isn’t peaceful, the developing fetus senses this. Not only does the mother release stress hormones into the developing child, the child itself produces these unwanted additives on its own, and so the journey into life begins.
From inception, the fetus is sensing whether the world is a safe place or a place that could threaten its survival.
It’s not only the womb that affects us, it’s the sounds, the smells, the food and the air we breathe that all set the stage for what’s to come.
The transition from the womb into the world is crucial time.
When caretakers are fully present, they offer predictability, in the sound of their voice, their facial expressions, or their body language, these are cues that mirror safety and security.
The bond between mother and child is the first relationship to establish trust. If the mother isn’t able to provide love and a predictable environment, the baby’s survival instinct is affected, it has to use all its resources to survive rather than thrive.
A child is constantly trying to make sense of its world and will use every cell in their body to stay safe. The essence of what they are can never be broken, but they can easily lose conscious awareness of this divine essence when their primary caretakers are not present. When caretakers are fully present, they offer predictability, whether it’s in the sound of their voice, their facial expressions, or their body language, these are cues that mirror safety and security.
If the mother decides that she doesn’t want her child or feels like she’s unable to provide what is needed, the ambivalence is felt by the child. If a child is adopted out, their ability to trust themselves and others may be hindered. The psychology of these children often holds the belief that if their birth parents didn’t want them, they are fundamentally broken, unlovable and through their behavior, they will show you that they are “no good”. They feel worthless and often resort to risky behaviors and substance abuse. The more the adoptive parent tries, the harder the child tries to prove that they are not worthy of love. Once again the cycle repeats itself, the relationships are damaged.
The adoptive parents must trust that they are in a relationship with a child who is emotionally delayed, they must provide a safe container through love and boundaries so that the child can trust the predictability enough to relax and accept that they are no longer that small scared child but a perfectly healthy human being, capable of composing their own life worth living. By accepting this delay in emotional maturity the adoptive parents must do their best to co-create a lifestyle that provides a safe container to guide this young adult until their neural networking has been able to fully mature.
This is no easy task, as there are many obstacles in the transition into adulthood.
By the time these kids reach 30 they often catch up (and most will, provided they don’t become addicted to risky behaviors and drugs to cope through this tumultuous passage into adulthood.
The main ingredient in this journey is love and acceptance of what is. Asking for help, seeking guidance, compassionate communication and self-care are the keys to the survival of this parent-child relationship. The possibilities for growth and self-acceptance are endless as long as we continue to be still and listen to our own wisdom and trust that we will be guided to know what to do next.